I sometimes hate myself for being human. I am supposed to visit my identical twin brother this weekend in Tucson and while part of me wants to see him, the other part dreads the visit. I know watching a loved one dying of cancer is indeed a traumatic experience, but there is so much more when twins are involved. We lost our mother and father to cancer and the experience was horrible…but this is different.
I actually feel his pain in my body exactly where he is suffering from blood clots due to chemotherapy, and knowing what he is going through sickens my heart. I must also confess to not liking the pain much either. It is like I am dying with him and this actually scares the hell out of me. I don’t want him to die and I fear his death will mirror mine. I can’t believe my selfishness in this and to make matters worse…I can’t not help him one iota to recover. He is not going to recover from this and the finality is numbing.
I am reluctant to publish this blog because I don’t want his children to read it; but on the other hand we will all have to face the fact of his terminal illness no matter how much it hurts or how much we all want to wake up from this horrible dream. It is not a dream, but rather more like a nightmare in which waking up is impossible…we are already awake.
The only positive thing from this dreadful experience is that early testing for prostate cancer saves lives. It saved mine and had my brother been tested twelve years ago like I was, he would now be looking forward to riding his Harley instead of a wheelchair. I guess there is no doubt that I am mad at him for keeping me in the dark about all the times I asked him if he had been tested and he would assure me that he had and that everything was normal. I guess I knew better – the odds of his PSA testing being normal were nil.
So what more can I say about middle-aged men getting tested for prostate cancer? I guess some men will ignore all the warnings and carry on with life while burning the candle at both ends and leave grieving loved ones prematurely. I couldn’t help but think my brother had a death wish and now his wish is coming true. It is a sad commentary to a life so vibrant and alive.
Like myself, my bro has succeeded in getting ready to leave the planet in a well used body. Neither of us will be laid out with pristine, unused torsos. We worked hard, played hard and lived full lives. While not always goody two shoes, we came out OK, all things considered. I salute you, Brother…and I look forward to riding with you in the big Harley rally in the sky.
I’m just saying,
Post Script: The visit shattered any lingering hope I might have had that he would recover enough to ride again. He doesn’t eat much anymore and has lost twenty five pounds. The visit was so sad and all I want to do is cry….
Walt suffered a massive stroke on Thursday and I rushed to Tucson to be at his side. His lady, Virginia, is with him also. He will be moved to a hospice Friday afternoon.
I said goodbye to my bro today (Saturday) for my trip home. He is in a coma and passing is imminent. We agreed that that no matter who died first, the other did not have to watch. It would just be too painful. Cowardly? Perhaps, but it is and was between us.
Walt passed into Devine Love and I miss him so very much….
I’m just saying,