6’ High and Shrinking


I am reminded of an old Johnny Cash song called, “Five Foot High and Risin’.” In it, he sings, “How highs the water, Mama? She said, two feet high and risin’.” If my Mama where alive today, I would ask her a similar question. “How highs your son, Mama, she’d say 6’ high and shrinkin’.” What the hell is that all about? Everything on the planet is getting bigger, higher and wider while I am shrinking. I just don’t get it.

I used to make fun of pictures showing old people barely able to see over a car steering wheel in Florida. I don’t laugh anymore I can tell you. I have discovered that they shrank to their current height and the process doesn’t stop until they leave the planet. Holy smoly, is that what I have to look forward to? No wonder old folks move to Florida, birds of a feather do flock together – there is strength in numbers.

As fast as I am shrinking, I will need one of those cars built for challenged people so I can still drive. You know the cars with all the controls on the steering wheel. That way, I can stand on the seat and drive. While I am at it, I might want to rent the old movie, “The Incredible Shrinking Man,” and study how he survived the phenomenon.

As we speak, I am trying to talk wifey into buying one of those inversion machines I see advertised on TV. The guy in the commercial claims that he is over 70 and feels great! What I want to know is if his machine has stopped the shrinking process by reversing the effects of gravity on his body. With my luck, he was probably 7’ in high school.

I am beginning to hate Newton and his laws of gravity. I have read that before his discovery no one shrank during their lifetimes because they didn’t know about the effects of gravity on the human body. Oh, wait a minute – it is more likely no one shrank because everyone died at the age of 35 in those days. Drats…foiled again.

There just has to be an explanation and cure for the Incredible Shrinking Old Person. See what happens when you mess with Mother Nature? When people died at 35, gravity didn’t have a chance to shrink them down to the nubs. But, perhaps it is better to live twice that age or more and have a great time while shrinking away into oblivion. It’s a trade-off for sure; let me see, 70 and having a great life or 35 years old, tall – but dead. Duh?

OK, I have it figured out how to shrink and not have to move to Florida. I will buy a Smart Car and drive until I’m 100 years old. Look out, world, here I come! God help us…

I’m just saying,




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