(All names were changed to protect the guilty)
“Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I called this press conference today to announce that I have signed an executive order giving me an addition four years as your president so that I will be able to fulfill my promise to you that Obummercare will be up and running by the end of the decade.
I have also signed another executive order ordering that all military commanders above the rank of private are to be relieved of duty at precisely 12 noon today and replaced with cabinet members from my administration. Since I didn’t need to have active military service to be Commander-in-Chief, it makes sense to replace gun and constitution loving, snoopy, and disrespectful ranking officers post-haste.
I would like to address the nasty rumor flying around the nation that I plan to suspend the Constitution of the United States of Nardia and declare martial law. While it is indeed true that another executive order is being drawn up to that effect, I promise to restore the constitution just as soon as my teams at the NSA, CIA, IRS, FBI, ATF and any other agencies sympathetic with my doctrines gather up every private weapon in the nation. Those who resist will be dealt with by the military that by then will be run by my team of civilian administrators. There is no doubt in my mind that the military will run much smoother and with better efficiency.
Also, as of today, my wife, Michael, will take over as Vice-President. Moe Bidden will be assigned the task of running the military while I am golfing and vacationing in Hawaii which will now be eleven months out of the year. I know my wives Michael and Moe will handle things here in Nardia with the same courage and excellence they have shown in the past. Billary and Wancy will accompany me to Hawaii to keep my putter and balls clean at all times.
In case you haven’t heard, the Fox News Corporation has been seized by the IRS and is no more. Only news media sympathetic with my views will be allowed to continue operations in my country. We are also investigating programs like SNL and others. The IRS feels that their seizures are eminent. I will not tolerate comments that Michael looks like a man and Moe is my bitch anymore, even if it is true!
My fellow Nardians, as we venture into prosperity for the poor by stealing from the middle class and pretending that the super wealthy don’t exist; be of good cheer, for I am here to lead you into a new age of fairness and brotherly love. The programs I have installed may sting at first, but I promise a better future for all peoples of the world who want to live in Nardia and collect freebies until the cows come home.
There will be no questions today and you may all bow as I leave the room….”
He is just saying,
(After this…I am now in hiding with Edward Snowdon)