I had promised myself not to spend too much time blogging about my identical twin brother’s death and I have basically kept that promise. No one wants to read blogs that are depressing and hopelessly grief filled with no way out of the funk that losing a loved one causes. It is true that we really don’t realize how much we love someone until they are gone from our lives forever. It’s a fact of life and agonizing over it doesn’t help much.
In my case, I decided to write this blog because I have discovered something interesting about the bond I had with my brother that I was not aware of. Perhaps writing about it will release me from the dead-end I have reached while trying to finish my third novel, The Phoenix Code. I haven’t been able to even look at the book since my brother passed.
While writing my first novel, Evil in the Mirror, I would contact my brother, Walt, constantly asking question after question about things in our lives that were dull in my memory, but perhaps not in his. You see, Evil in the Mirror is about identical twins murdering people in 1968 Tucson, Arizona. We both lived there in 1968 and his help was critical in getting the places and dates correct. My thinking was, why not pattern the bad twins’ lives after our own, thus cutting down the amount of research needed to make the killers seem real.
In my second novel, Day Stalker, I again relied on my brother to help me remember places, events and dates that were crucial to the storyline. He was always eager to help and talking with him on the phone or riding my Harley to Tucson so we could go together and scout out locations was instrumental to my finishing the book with accurate and honest locations that were part of our lives in the late 1960s. This whole process gave validity and realism to what was otherwise total fiction.
Now I have no one to call…I can’t tell you how many times I have (through habit) reached for my cell phone to make that call, only to realize I can never do it again. The whole process leaves me empty and cold inside. As I put the phone down, I always call myself a dumb ass for doing it in the first place. I know I am too hard on myself, but I do it anyway.
Now I must get a grip on the reality that Brother is gone and nothing can or will change that fact. I know he would want me to finish the trilogy and I guess it’s time to quit crying in my “beer,” pick myself up and get on with it. Besides, writing is what I was born to do and I live for the written word.
OK, Bro…I hear you and I am going back to work on the damn book – so quit bugging me!
Post Script: “The Phoenix Code” is now finished and in the proofing, editing process. I miss my twin still, but the grief has subsided. Yes, time does heal all things….
I’m just saying,